Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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