He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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