My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
