Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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