Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If its not for food we ain't going out.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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