3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have feelings that need drinking.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
