I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My balls are so social today.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
