I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
