we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
