Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I faked an abortion last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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