We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
