No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
