you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize