you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
