wat bout pragnant strippers??
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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