you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She announced her abortion via fbk
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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