I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
