I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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