Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
