Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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