why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize