Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
