No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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