my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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