Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
