Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
