Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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