i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
