The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
