Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
