Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
