Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
