These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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