the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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