Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
