dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
