I met the friendliest cop last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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