so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
