I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
