You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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