took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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