If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Shame is for Republicans.
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