I love black thongs
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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