I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
