i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
