her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
