$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
