I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
