I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
