My room smells like vodka and shame
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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