If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
