Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
