what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
