Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize