the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
