eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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